A Word to the Wise for Husbands & Wives
Recently, I did some pre-marriage counseling and it prompted me to share two important principles with husbands and wives to safeguard their marriages.
NEVER COMPARE YOUR SPOUSE TO SOMEONE ELSE’S: Not your best friend’s or other friends’, your coworker’s, neighbor’s. Do not speak such things to your spouse about the other’s looks, physical attributes, personality, how athletic he/she is, the way they keep house, or parent, or how hard they work, etc.
If an occasion calls for it, it is fine to admire these qualities in that other person, but never compare him/her to any perceived lack you see in your own spouse. (And make sure you don’t overdo it!)
Here’s why: If you married the one God gave to you, then he/she is perfectly fitted to you and your personality, skills, etc., complementing both your strengths and your weaknesses—which we all have! Furthermore, you are focusing on that person’s good points while focusing on your mate’s perceived bad points. This is an unbalanced, unfair comparison.
The probability is strong that you do not even know the other person’s weak points, because these are generally not displayed in social gatherings when everyone is on his/her best behavior.
Secondly, when you develop a strong admiration for that other person, you become more attracted to him/her. As a result, you may become less satisfied with your own mate as his/her faults are magnified in your eyes. This originally “sanctified admiration” can lead to “an unholy attraction.” When dwelt upon mentally, it can develop into lust, “and when lust is conceived, it brings forth sin…” Sin never travels alone: “It brings forth death” (James 1:15).
This death by the sin of adultery produces multiple consequences: The death of your once loving, loyal, satisfying attraction and admiration for your own spouse. This may potentially bring about the death of the marriage. When there are children involved, it always does heavy damage to them.
It usually results in the death of your relationships with the members of your spouse’s family, which may have brought you much pleasure in the past. It can bring about the death of your friendships that you developed with others through and with your spouse.
The worst separation this sin brings is that of your own soul from God. While this can be remedied through true repentance and turning away from all sinful behavior from your heart, the pain and guilt it brings are often experienced for a long time. It is not easy to see unfolding before you the devastation your sin has caused to your spouse and loved ones, especially if there are children.
Then there is the effect your sin brings on your spouse and his/her family, as well as the family of the other person who participated in the sin of adultery. The harm it brings is far-reaching, and reminders of your sin and its consequences will confront you daily.
Moreover, your great adversary, Satan, is all too pleased to whisper accusations in your ears to wrench more pain from your own wounded heart. You should know that the Wiseman said that “adultery is a dart to your own heart” (Proverbs 7:23, 5:4). The wounds inflicted on your own soul can rob you of any future joy of a loving, mutually rewarding marriage, because they give Satan great leverage in the battle of the mind.
Decide now to cast down every seductive imagination, and don’t let it become a stronghold that will destroy your marriage (2 Cor. 10:4-5).
NEVER CONFIDE IN SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX ABOUT YOUR MARITAL PROBLEMS. It may start out as an innocent conversation with someone on your job, etc., about how unhappy you are at home, how unattentive your mate is, he/she doesn’t understand you. If that person is understanding, you may divulge more and more information about your unhappy marriage. If they continue to sympathize with you, it can lead to crying on their shoulder. Don’t be foolish: It can lead to having sex.
If you and your spouse are having marital problems, you should go to your spiritual leader for godly counsel, and give no place to the devil! (Ephesians 4:27).
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